Ah growing up – You hated it when mom would lick a napkin and use it as a cleaning device for my face. Disgusting! How about that time dad said “I don’t need a reason to say now, this house is not a democracy.” These are a few examples to the things our parents said and did that drove us crazy.
Did you swear you’d be a better parent? Were you one of those people who judged parents for giving in to their children until you had a child of your own? Be honest with yourself. How many of these 37 anti-parenting rules have you broken.
Don’t judge yourself too harshly for giving in. Most of the staff at Truly Brainy failed this test miserably.
1. Hungry Like A Wolf
I hated being a teenager, so I promised that when I had a teen of my own that I’d be the chillest parent ever and always understand. But GodDAMN, I get frustrated sometimes. And despite my best efforts, sometimes I just can’t understand where they’re coming from.
Housing a teen is like housing a werewolf. They can be so calm and rational until suddenly they’re not. They’re voraciously hungry but don’t want dinner. They sleep through daylight and you find them up at 3 a.m.
Disregard the above, I’m pretty sure my teen is just a werewolf.
2. Don’t Make Me Turn This Car Around
I didn’t think I would be so deceptive but sometimes it’s like negotiating with a Terrorist. Here ya go mamas…. I had a long road trip to go on …13 hours to their cousins house in Oregon.
I told them there would be no fighting or we weren’t going. (Kids know that’s an idle threat) I knew they were going to squabble and act up and I was flying solo, so I got them packed up and we started out. Not 5 minutes down the road and it started. “He’s not sharing!” “That’s it I told you not to fight” Got home marched them to their rooms.
A week later we left and wow not a peep! We weren’t going that week anyway, my evil plan worked! You’re welcome
3. Let’s Take A Nap
Put my child down for a nap because I myself was tired.
4. We All Know Who The Boss Is
“Ask your mother”
5. Give Me A Break
Give in to what they want for an hours peace.
6. Because I Said So
Generally, my mom didn’t use the, “Because I said so” excuse. But I remember one time she did and I was so annoyed and baffled by it. I promised I’d never use that excuse. Looking back at it, the reason she used it was because I was asking to go do something I’d done a thousand times with a friend who had not. The friend would have definitely screwed it up and the friends mom was sitting there while I was asking.
“Because I said so” was a better than saying, “Because I think Mike will screw it up” in front of Mike’s mom.
7. Did I Just Officially Become A Soccer Mom?
Drive a minivan. But damn are they smooth and convenient.
8. How Many Questions Until I Crack?
I promised myself that I would always answer every question that my kids ask and that I would never lose my cool after the 10,000th question.
I’ve lost my cool once and never will again. Mostly now if I get overwhelmed I’ll just say ‘you sure do ask a lot of questions, buddy’ and that usually shuts them up for a minute so I can take a deep breath.
9. Not Sure How It Came To This
Refer to my wife as mom.
10. Turns Out 99.99% Isn’t 100 Effective
Have another kid.
11. I Don’t Care What The Clock Says, It’s BedTime
Put my kids to bed when it’s still light outside. I remember being put to bed during the summer and still being able to hear kids playing outside and just being so mad about that.
Now 8:00 rolls around and my kids are mad that they’re being put to bed when the sun is still up because they’ve been going full force since 6 am, and I haven’t had a break all day from small humans asking me for things.
Lie to my kids. You have to lie to irrational people.
13. What Did You Just Say?
Zone out when my kids talk to me.
14. You Know Who You Are
Calling my kids each others names. Eventually I just go with “You know who you are” . Always wondered why my parents did that. Now as a parent, with life so stressful and fast, I fully see why.
15. GET THEM OFF OF ME, GET THEM OFF OF ME
Putting on a terrified look and screaming “WASP!” To get the kids to come back in from the back yard. Works every time.
16. The Shame of Broken Promises
I swore I would never lose my temper and yell at my kid. That didn’t last.
17. Who Sings This Song?
Let my kids listen to Kidzbop. It’s the worst garbage music but back when I had satellite radio, more often than not when they were in the car with me, that god awful music was playing.
18. Using Natures Napkin
Lick my finger and wipe away dirt from face.
19. I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU
Yell at my kid. I went to a parenting class, love and logic, read countless books, watched cringy YouTube because I was determined to not be like my mom. But.
When your SIX year old decides to wake up at 0400, sneak downstairs and mix EVERYTHING from the storage cabinet into a 3 qt mixing bowl (no, it didn’t hold all the contents, but that didn’t stop her from adding more) on the light tan carpet of your rental, destroying any hope of getting your security deposit back.. and you wake up to the overwhelming smell of baking chocolate, pepper, and garlic.. you tend to lose your cool.
It was god awful. Rice, flour, chocolate powder, all my spices and herbs, pancake mix, mixed with who knows how many cups of water. And stirred.
20. Balanced Diet Sellout
Buying kids meals (nuggets & chips) at a restaurant that sells legitimate food.
21. Who Wants A Treat?
Use food as a reward or incentive.
22. We Don’t Own A Money Tree
Just had an “oh shit I’m a parent” moment yesterday. We were picking up food and they asked if we were getting drinks. I said “we have drinks at home” and immediately facepalmed myself.
23. Crushed By A Four-Year-Old
Cry when my kids say something mean.
I’m usually pretty good but after a long day with a 4 year old who just didn’t want to listen and is having a bad day himself, hearing “I don’t love you” can destroy you – even though you logically know they have no clue what they’re saying.
24. Screaming Where Are You, Where Are You
What kind of monster parent loses their child in a public place, then screams at the top of their lungs expecting others to care. I swore I wouldn’t do that, but I did – many times actually.
Tara – Mom of Two
25. I’ll Teach You How To Cook
“Ok kids, help yourselves to dinner tonight, I’m way too tired.”
The thing is, my ten year old can now make an excellent egg and bacon sandwich now so that worked out.
26. What Do You Mean You Can’t Save The Game
“If you don’t stop that now, we’re going home!” which is often as much a punishment to myself as it is to my son, but I don’t make threats I can’t act on.
“I don’t care if you haven’t saved, it’s time to turn off the game!” – I get how much it sucks when you can’t save, but I always give him plenty of warning before it’s time to come off whatever video game he’s playing so he should have more than enough time to save the game. There are very few games these days with limited save points.
More seriously, I always imagined I’d be a really attentive parent who enjoyed playing a lot with my son, but unfortunately I struggle with the day-to-day necessities of maintaining a household and am often way too tired to spend as much time with him as I would like. I watch some shows with him and we play Yu-Gi-Oh and tabletop RPGs together now that he’s older, but I worry he won’t have enough memories of quality time spent together when he’s grown up.
27. Is That Your Dad or Grandpa?
My parents had me later in life. My mom was 40, dad was 34. I swore I would never be an older parent. I had all sorts of reasons why, which I’ve ultimately realized we’re nonsense. Anyway, my wife and I are expecting our second child later this year, our first will be 10 when the second is born and I’ll be 38 and I couldn’t be more excited.
28. Forget It, I Quit
Just give up for a bit.
29. Gangster Daddy – NOT
Pre Dad Me: I’m going to be the coolest dad ever. My kids can listen to gangster rap and watch Jerry Springer all they want Post Dad me: ( my daughters’ created a TikTok account and tried to dance to Thotiana on camera) BURN IT ALL DOWN
30. Somebody Call About A Fire?
When I was a child I absolutely hates being rushed to get ready and go some place and I swore I wouldn’t be like that…. now as a mother of four I will literally fireman carry their asses out of the door to get to school on time.
31. Kids, Meet Your New Digital Babysitter
Focus on using a device (phone etc) instead of spending time with my children.
32. I Thought I’d Have More Time For That
Have a messy house. My house was always messy as a kid so I always swore that I would be the perfect homemaker with a pristine house. A combination of trying to do too much at once, being lazy and mental health issues has meant that my house ranges from messy to disgusting way too often.
33. I’ll Use Logic, That Will Work For Sure
Non-parents think children are logical beings who merely lack life experience. It’s always “I’ll just sit them down and explain to them…” and “I’ll never/always…” and the kids will be happy 24/7.
Yeah, nah. Children run off kid logic. No solutions work for all kids (or even work on the same kid consistently); if you want to survive and raise the best kid you can, you will constantly evolve and adapt.
34. For Dessert Tonight, Kitty Litter
Everything. I used to be one of those people who judged parents and their kids in public. Old me was a jerk who had no idea. Let’s go down the list:
Taking my kid out in public because I have nothing else to do – this is the big one, I used to wonder why parents dragged all their kids on every little shopping trip. It’s because they either don’t have anyone to watch them or kids are easier to control when they’re in public. Toddlers and babies can sit in a pram and other kids can play on play equipment. It beats following my toddler around the house while he tries to eat cat litter and pull all the books off the shelves.
Allowing my kid too much screen time – We’ve been pretty good with phones, mostly because he’ll break them if he gets his hands on them, plus he’s not really interested in TV. But the 30 seconds that Big Block Sing Song is on TV is like an extended vacation to me.
Not allowing my toddler any fast food until X age – We lasted a while he didn’t eat fast food until he could walk. But when a toddler sees you eating something that they can’t they flip out. A toddler will flip out if you and him are eating the same thing, but you’re taking it from a different plate.
Not getting mad – I’ve had two hours sleep and you’re standing up in your cot throwing whatever you can reach on the floor. Allow me to stare angrily at you for 30 seconds.
Being a parent is hard. The worst case is that you prepare yourself for sun dappled afternoons reading while your kid plays quietly on the floor at your feet. This is a laughable fantasy. Best case is that you prepare for the worst and it’s actually worse. But even with all the hard stuff I love the little guy, there are times when just being near me makes him the happiest person in the world and that makes it all worth it.
35. Oh Yes You Will Eat That
The three bite rule. I swore I’d only make one meal, and my kids were going to at least eat three bites of everything and that’s that.
Fast forward to a sweet boy with legitimate texture issues (he will actually gag and vomit), and I have become an expert at “deconstructing” dinners so he doesn’t have to deal with anything mushy while the rest of us eat.
36. You Really Are A Disappointment
Saying “I’m disappointed in you”. The one time my mom said it to me I literally grounded myself.
Don’t have kids yet, but my 18 year old niece did some seriously dangerously stupid shit last night and when she got back to the house I laid into her with the force of 15 angry moms and ended it with “I’m so hurt and disappointed in you right now. You’re so much smarter than this” she walked away crying and I felt like I was going to vomit for saying that.
37. I’m Only Going to Count to One, Two …
“Count” to get my toddler to do something. Yesterday I told him it would only take him ten seconds to pick up his toys. Then I said “Watch! One…two…three…” etc. He hurriedly put them away.
Then I realized I was a grown-ass man counting to ten out loud like an idiot, which I swore to never do. It wasn’t quite the same as the “if you don’t do it by the time I count to three” thing because I was doing it encouragingly, but I still felt asinine.